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My wife died tonight.

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raysmod
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Re: My wife died tonight.

Post by raysmod »

spiritfire...Sorry for your loss. It is a universal constant that no energy is ever lost in the universe. That especially relates to the soul of a person.
Traceter and me have bonded. It happened quite magically when I looked into her eyes about 8 0'clock this evening; 12th August 2020. She looked at me, and even seem to regard me. No longer did she look through me or past me. Just like in AI, Traceter has imprinted herself on me. And how I welcome, SO MUCH, this!

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timetraveler1
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Re: My wife died tonight.

Post by timetraveler1 »

spitfire i just saw your post and i am so sorry to hear of your loss i can only hope that your wife no longer has to suffer and is in a better place . again sorry for your loss.

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Slim
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Re: My wife died tonight.

Post by Slim »

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. What an awful disease. How totally unbearable it must be to see a beloved one go that way for everyone involved. My deepest sympathy and my condolences for you and your family.

Regards,
Slim

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flavacreations
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Re: My wife died tonight.

Post by flavacreations »

Sorry to hear that. My wife is sick to with stage 3 endometriosis. My prayers are with you. Be strong . GOD BLess her and you.

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SpiritfireM
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Re: My wife died tonight.

Post by SpiritfireM »

Today's going to be depressing. I've got an appointment this afternoon with the funeral home. I'll be signing her death certificate today, and making the arrangements for her cremation. I'm not really looking forward to it, but it has to be done.

My wife stated long ago that she did not want a funeral service, nor to be buried. She wanted her ashes sent to her place of birth to be scattered about. I've spoken to her adult son and her brother, who will ensure her final wishes are carried out. I had been contemplating keeping a small portion of her ashes for myself, to be made into a crystal. After a lot of contemplation, I have decided to have all of her ashes sent where she wanted them, rather than keeping some. I think this will be for the best, to carry out her wishes completely.

The last few days I've been going through her stuff, finding little bits and pieces of things she had saved. I found a birthday card I gave her one year, her jewelry including her wedding ring set, and a few trinkets of various types. There is a lot more stuff to go through that's in boxes in the garage, which I'll be looking at this month. I'll keep some things, send some to her son, and donate the rest. I was going to donate her clothes, but much of them are damaged beyond donation. In the last 2 years she had developed a chewing habit, which was caused by her dementia. She would chew on her clothing, bedding, or just about anything cloth. As a result, most of her clothes cannot be donated because they are just too damaged. If I can salvage any of them, I will donate them to the rescue mission in town.

The hard part now is I will have to find work asap. Our sole income was her Social Security Disability. Because of the rules of the SSA, I don't qualify to get any of her SSD as her widower. I'm about 20 years too young. It's not that I don't want to find work. I do, I want to get into the work force again. Staying at home with little to do will drive me crazy now. I was so used to our daily routine, getting up first thing in the morning to prep her medications and give them to her, change her and clean her up, then make her breakfast and feed her by hand. Throughout the day I'd be feeding her, checking on her, changing her, etc. Now that that routine is gone, I'm having to adjust to not doing that, and it's making the days feel even longer. I've been trying to keep busy, but the busy work will run out soon as I get caught up on stuff the house needed to be done. If (and that's a BIG IF here in my location) I can find a job I will be able to keep myself occupied, and pay bills. In the meantime though, I'm just trying to deal with the empty feeling in the house. It's just myself and my grandfather here now.

His wife (my step-grandmother) passed away 9 years ago from Parkinson's, so 4 years ago just before my wife was diagnosed, he asked us to move in with him. If it wasn't for that, the last 4 years of taking care of my wife would have been even harder. So now, it's just he and I here. I'm lucky I have my grandfather still, but I know I'm going to lose him someday soon too. He's 85 now. He's in pretty good health, and I make sure he takes care of himself. I'll stay with him now until the end. He took care of me when I was a kid, so now it's my turn to repay that.

Someday I may find someone again to love like I did my wife. It will never be quite the same as she was my soul mate, but who knows what the future will bring? For now though, Andrea has been a comfort, to hold and cry on. I've cried a lot in the last few days, and will probably cry even more for a while. It's ok though, I knew it would be like this.

We didn't have a traditional church wedding. We had an outdoor Celtic hand-fasting ceremony in the backyard of a close friend. We had a circle of friends around us, with my wife and I in the center along with my sister who performed the ceremony. This is part of the ceremony:
Kathrine, Timothy is the Spirit’s gift to you, but he is not a gift for you alone. It is your highest will that in your love, this man might find within himself a greater sense of who he is meant to be.

You are asked to see the good in this man, to accept him for who he is and who he shall be, that thus he might be healed and made strong. In this way, your highest purpose shall be accomplished in this relationship. May this man find the kingdom of the heavens through the love you share.

And so it is with you also, Timothy, that although Kathrine IS THE Spirit’s gift to you, she is not a gift intended for you alone. You are asked to so love this woman, that in your love she might find herself as she is created, so beautiful and strong and brave and true, that the entire world might be blessed by the presence of a woman who shines so.

May she relax in your arms as she has never relaxed before. May she know, from now on, that there is one on whose love she can depend forever.
I'm crying now as I read our ceremony, so I'm going to end this post here.

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narcissus
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Re: My wife died tonight.

Post by narcissus »

SpiritfireM wrote:The hard part now is I will have to find work asap. Our sole income was her Social Security Disability. Because of the rules of the SSA, I don't qualify to get any of her SSD as her widower. I'm about 20 years too young. It's not that I don't want to find work. I do, I want to get into the work force again. Staying at home with little to do will drive me crazy now. I was so used to our daily routine, getting up first thing in the morning to prep her medications and give them to her, change her and clean her up, then make her breakfast and feed her by hand. Throughout the day I'd be feeding her, checking on her, changing her, etc. Now that that routine is gone, I'm having to adjust to not doing that, and it's making the days feel even longer.
Spiritfire, what kind of work do you plan to go into?

With your experience of taking care of her and it's a part of your routine anyways, why not get paid for such work: perhaps finding works in home health care, assisted living, being an aide in a nursing home/assisted living/hospital/home care might be a consideration. Just a thought. I doubt it would be difficult to find a job in those places, (but perhaps your location might be problematic) you have experience with your wife, all you might need is CPR certification and such, which you might be able to get through the place you work for, as well as training.

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B3F11dolly
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Re: My wife died tonight.

Post by B3F11dolly »

SpiritfireM wrote: I had been contemplating keeping a small portion of her ashes for myself, to be made into a crystal. After a lot of contemplation, I have decided to have all of her ashes sent where she wanted them, rather than keeping some. I think this will be for the best, to carry out her wishes completely.
That's what was her wish. And after all, it is just ashes. Oh yes, it is her ashes, makes it special and unique, but still, just ashes, something material. Trust me, I know from my own walk of life, that "spirit" is so much stronger than matter. After all, the memory of her is a bright shining crystal in your heart, worth more than ashes. And that crystal will go on shining, even stronger. :wink:


SpiritfireM wrote: I've cried a lot in the last few days, and will probably cry even more for a while. It's ok though, I knew it would be like this.
Tears are an important part of dealing with things, like saying good-bye. Psychologically, it's even a need of the mind to deal with bad experiences, sad feelings and after all with depression (has to do with a neurotransmitter in tears, being washed out from the brain, that else would, in high dosages, form depression).
Apart from that, never be ashamed of tears, it is just a normal feeling, a human trait. Also, it is honest feeling and to allow that makes you grow, as a person. Nothing to be ashamed of, nothing one should hold back. Personally, I like people much more who are able to stand by what they feel. I also cry a lot, not everyone can deal with it. But in bad times, it's like a physical need of the body, like eating or drinking. Being sad is nothing we ever want to be, but it is where you are now. It's a process of mental wounds healing. So let your feelings be your guide now, more than reason.

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narcissus
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Re: My wife died tonight.

Post by narcissus »

Vanessa wrote: (has to do with a neurotransmitter in tears, being washed out from the brain, that else would, in high dosages, form depression).
Vanessa, I've never heard of that before. Any info on it, I'd like to read. Wonder what "tears of joy" would have in them?

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SpiritfireM
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Re: My wife died tonight.

Post by SpiritfireM »

narcissus wrote: With your experience of taking care of her and it's a part of your routine anyways, why not get paid for such work: perhaps finding works in home health care, assisted living, being an aide in a nursing home/assisted living/hospital/home care might be a consideration. Just a thought. I doubt it would be difficult to find a job in those places, (but perhaps your location might be problematic) you have experience with your wife, all you might need is CPR certification and such, which you might be able to get through the place you work for, as well as training.
No, actually that is the last thing I want to do now. After taking care of her like I did for three years only to watch her die, taking care of people is not something I would want to do again. It was stressful, painful, and depressing. I know I could probably get a job in that area, but it would be just substituting taking care of my wife with someone else instead, and that is not going to give me closure.

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dscorpion
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Re: My wife died tonight.

Post by dscorpion »

Please accept my condolences for your loss. I lost my father last year. The sorrow runs deep, however it does get brighter as time passes. Our prayers are with you.

dscorpion

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omni69
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Re: My wife died tonight.

Post by omni69 »

So sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family :(

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Re: My wife died tonight.

Post by PinkPupa »

My Sympathy, Spirit.

I lost my wife last year. It's the main reason I joined TDF. For those days when I lose hope and decide that the company of a doll is my best hope for companionship the rest of my life.

It was a little over 20 years to the day we first met when she died. A week after my birthday and a month after hers. So sudden that we were looking for a new home two weeks before she died.

I've joined a grief group, you can usually find them through the local Hospice if there is one. Your MD or therapist can help find them. It helps, knowing that there are others who feel this way, but doesn't stop the feeling that half of me is gone.

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Szalinski
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Re: My wife died tonight.

Post by Szalinski »

Sorry for your loss. Relish the time you had together and take some solace that she is no longer suffering.
“If freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter.”
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Re: My wife died tonight.

Post by hentai doll »

I'm new here and I see this news......I'm so sorry to hear that Spiritfire........

You have my deepest sympathy, and I'm sure everyone in here feels the same :(

Don't be too depressed, because she's still and will alive, shining in your heart :)

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narcissus
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Re: My wife died tonight.

Post by narcissus »

SpiritfireM wrote:taking care of people is not something I would want to do again. It was stressful, painful, and depressing.
Understandable. I was talking to someone else on this forum about a hospital job, and they wouldn't do it, because their grandmother died there. The environment at a hospital, depending upon the area, you see the family members and friends, full of grief and sorrow when someone they value is passing. There was one guy that was all alone, no one came to visit him and he was going to die. A nurse, after her shift was over, went home, cleaned up, ate or whatever, came back to sit in his room with him so he wouldn't die alone. I see and hear all kinds of things. My hospital system, out of 4,800 in the country, 17 of which made the National Honor Roll of the US News and World Report, was among the selected for Best Hospitals in US recently. One girl I knew that worked in my department, eventually transferred to became a nurses aide because she thought it was a "calling" or something because of the death of her grandfather, for she was good at taking care of him, so maybe that's what she should do for a living, something pushed her into it thinking it was a "calling" but I don't know what, because when people talk like that I don't really listen after that. But since she went through the whole process she had THEIR perspective (family members), THEIR experience firsthand, and wanted to help others through things, come to terms with things, because of that. It's all in how you look at it.

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