JUST FOR LAUGHS

[Myboiblue123]

I’m so naughty, I shower naked!

[Nackers]

Speaking of true but funny medical stories...

Was at the vet getting my dog a checkup and the female vet took the dogs temperature, the old fashioned way ie: thermometer up the butt. The dog didn't like it and snapped a little at her. I apologized about the dog and said something along the lines of "Sorry about that. I guess she doesn't like that".

To which the vet replied "I don't blame her I don't like it either."

There was a moment of stunned silence from both of us while the vet realised what she'd said and went very red.

[Booty Call Dolls]

A woman visits her husband in prison...

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!"

The officer laughs and says, "Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell all day!"

The wife replies: "Bull crap! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months!"

[Mr Franz]

Woman gives birth with her husband by her side. Attending nurse holds up the baby and says, "He has his father's eyes." Mother looks up at her newborn son, "Oh, he does and his willy is the same size too."

[seagull]

Mr Franz...

[Booty Call Dolls]

A horse and a baby chicken are hanging out in Farmer Brown's backyard.

The horse lays down in great big mud puddle to cool off. He decided to take a nap but when he awoke, he was sunk down to his haunches and couldn't get up.

"He-e-e-lp me Baby Chicken! I'm stuck! Go get Farmer Brown to pull me out with the tractor."

"Buaaak! I can't do it. Farmer Brown's out plowing the back 40. It'll take me all day just to reach him. But I got a better plan. Hang tight!"

So the Baby Chicken jumped in farmer brown's BMW and backed up to horse. He threw a harness onto the horse and tied it off to the frame. He then threw the car into gear and popped the horse out.

"Tha-ank you Chicken! Anything you need in the future, I owe you one."

So time goes by and it's all forgotten.

Then one sunny day, the Chicken is hot and decides to cool off in the biggest mud puddle you've ever seen. The next thing you know, he's sunk up to his wings and can't get out.

"<Squak> Help me Horse! <squak> Go get the BMW!"

"Na-ah bro, I'll never fit into that tiny vehicle. But don't worry, I've got a better idea."

So the Horse proceeded to straddle over the puddle and say, "Here, grab a hold of my weiner."

The Baby Chicken says, "What?!?!"

"It's okay," replied the horse. "You're not going to hurt me. Just grab onto my wang and hang on for dear life."

So chicken did and horse pulled him out with ease.

AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS...

[Booty Call Dolls]

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!

[Booty Call Dolls]

A cop sees a kid on the playground playing with poop and sand.

He goes up to him and asks, "What are you doing, kid?"

The kid says, "Making a policeman."

The cop loses his mind, gives the kid a beating and sends him home.

The next day the cop sees the same kid in the same spot, playing with poop and sand.

He asks, "Hey kid, now what are you doing?"

The kid says, "Making a priest."

With a grin on his face, the cop asks, "Why aren't you making a policeman?"

The kid says, "I tried, but there wasn't enough poop."

[Booty Call Dolls]

If you're the type of person who hoards magazines.......

... then you probably have a lot of issues.

[Booty Call Dolls]

I wanted to increase my fiber in my diet by eating beans

My plan is dramatically backfiring.

[amytyl]

A salad truck got into a major accident, spilling oil and vinegar everywhere.
The driver was afraid they'd garnish his celery!

[Mr Franz]

Guy goes to the carnival and sees a donkey with a sign over his head that reads "Make the Donkey Laugh" and win $100. 3 chances for $1. So the guy pays the fee, goes up to the donkey, whispers in his ear and the donkey cracks up. So the man at the booth gives the guy a crisp hundred dollar bill.

The following day, the same guy goes to the carnival again and finds the donkey still laughing. This time the sign over his head reads, "Make the Donkey Cry" and win $100. 3 chances for $1. So, the guy goes up to the donkey real close and suddenly the donkey begins cry. Once again, the man at the booth gives the guy a crisp hundred dollar bill. This time though, the man at the booth wants to know how he did it.

"Look friend, first you made my donkey laugh then you made him cry. How the hell did you do that"

"Well, the first time I made him laugh by telling him my dick was bigger than his."

"Oh, man. That's hilarious! No wonder he laughed so hard, but how did you make him cry?"

"I showed him!"

[Wheezer]

[Mr Franz]

Guy goes to a whore house. Pimp at the door says all the girls are busy, but he's got something almost as good. So the guy pays and goes on up to the room. In the room he finds a chicken. A big old laying hen. Guy says what the hell and rogers the chicken senseless. "Damn" the guy says, "That was better than I expected!"

The guy liked it so much, he goes back the next night for another go. Pimp at the door says, it's the chicken's night off, but you can watch pornos in the VIP room if you want. So he goes on up and finds 2 other fellows watching a guy on a big screen TV having at it with a goat! He turns to one of the men and says, "Damn, this is hilarious!" The man turns to him and says, "This is nothing. You should have been here last night and seen the jerk with the chicken!"

[Treepusher]

A freshly minted French Foreign Legion captain is assigned to an isolated desert fort. As he arrives, a grizzled sergeant salutes and begins a tour of the fort.

They enter the stable, and to the captain’s surprise, he sees a single camel quietly munching hay among the horses. The sergeant notices the captain’s glance and gives a short laugh.

“Ah, mon Capitain, I see you have noticed the fort’s camel. It is a great favorite among the men.”

“Really, Sergeant? And why is that?”

“Well, mon Capitain, as you know, the men have needs for female company. But alas, the nearest town is many miles away across the desert. So the men, when they have the urges, they use the camel. As you yourself may do.”

Aghast, the captain shakes his head. “Perhaps that may do for the men, but a camel? That I could never do.”

The sergeant nods. “As you wish. But it is lonely here, and you may soon change your mind.”

The months slowly go by, and the captain calls the sergeant. “I notice the men looking at me as if they do not respect me.”

“Ah, yes, mon Capitain. The men are wondering, after so many months, why you never have used the camel? They wonder why you do not act as a man. Do you not…have the urges?”

The captain frowns. “Of course. I simply won’t use the camel. I can’t.”

“As you wish. But the camel, she is there to use. All the men use her, there is no shame in it.”

The weeks pass, it is hot and very lonely, and at last the captain can no longer resist the urge for female company.

“Sergeant, bring me the camel! I wish to use her!”

The sergeant beams. “ At once, mon Capitain. The men will again respect you!”

He returns with the camel, and the captain strips and, in a sexual frenzy and wanting to impress the soldiers of the fort, immediately begins to have his way with her. At length, his lust sated, he leads the camel back to the sergeant. He can’t help noticing the astonishment on the sergeant’s face.

“Sergeant, why do you and the men stare at me as if I am insane? You told me all the men have used the camel when they get the urge.”

The sergeant slowly nods. “Yes, mon Capitain. But the men, they use the camel to ride to town.”