The New Adventures of Amber!

[Oscar DeBarataria]

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"So anyway, that's why I, like, really strongly recommend doing some Twitter Spaces and having those be a way to build up a following."

"Right, I get it, but again...I'm not really ready to do all of that. I'm not quite two thirds of the way through the first draft of the book and all of a sudden I'm in sort of an existential crisis with the story. I'm not sure how I want it to end."

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"Well, like, happily ever after, right?"

"Yes, but this is something of a dark story. So it has to end darkly."

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"But...happily ever after."

"That's my dilemma. How do I craft that? And how do I get there from where the story is now? What I have in the outline is...well, I thought it was good, and now I'm having some second thoughts. I might have to rip it out and figure another way home."

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"But so, like, we're still set to start the book launch in July, right?"

"Lexie, I don't know that the book will be done by then. And I don't want to rush it; it won't be any good if I rush it, and then we'll be busy trying to sell a book that sucks."

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"Well, I mean, so you know, I have other clients, and..."

"OK, I get that, and if it means this isn't going to work I completely understand. But finishing the first draft of this thing and starting the editing process, getting a few people to do a beta reading, running through it myself a few times...I don't think we can rush that. If it takes more than six or seven weeks from here, then that's what it's going to take."

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"All right. I've never written a book, so, like, I'm not gonna say anything."

"I'm terribly sorry that my process is so inconvenient for you."

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"Like, Oh My God! Wait...you're making fun of me."

"I do that all the time. Ask anybody. I'm a big smartass."

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"Yeah, OK, whatever. Amber didn't tell me that. I mean, I haven't even met her yet and I'm talking to her almost every day."

"Y'all are getting to be friends, huh?"

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"Well, kind of. She's sort of like a big sister. Like she gives me advice and stuff."

"She does? That's cool."

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"She's REALLY smart. I'm kind of in awe of her. I can't wait to meet her."

"Well, if you stick around for a bit I think you're going to. She's out on a shopping trip or something. I actually would have thought she'd be back soon, because we were going out to dinner tonight, so..."

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"OK, wait - how long have you guys been married?"

"Who?"

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"You and Amber! Like, duh!"

"Oh, we're not married."

[Oscar DeBarataria]

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"Oh my God. How long have you been together?"

"It's right about two years now, I think."

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"Oscar! You need to ask her!"

"I do?"

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"OK, like...don't take this the wrong way, but a super-smart, hot girl like that? She's usually with a total Chad. And, ummm..."

"Lexie, are you saying I'm not a Chad?"

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"OK, I said don't take it the wrong way, but she's not gonna wait around if you, y'know, don't put a ring on it."

"I hope you're not trying to tell me you know more about our relationship than I do."

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"I'm just saying, y'know, like this place is nice but it's small, and I don't see any pictures of your boat or your plane, and you don't exactly have six-pack abs, so..."

"It now occurs to me that you are exactly the chick who convinced me to get Amber in the first place."

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"Convinced you?"

"Never mind. Here, let me text her and see..."

Just then I heard the door. "I'm home!" yelled Amber.

"We're up here!" I yelled back.

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"Oh, hey, there you are. Hey Lexie! So cool to finally meet you, baby girl!"

Lexie got up and hugged her.

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"Umm, OK, so this is gonna come off as..."

"Amber, say whatever you want. Lexie's been over here telling me that I should marry you, quick, before you run off with a Chad."

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"Hahahaha! Oh my God, you did NOT tell him that."

"I mean, now I feel like...embarrassed."

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"Honey, he doesn't have to marry me. I don't think he could if he wanted to."

"Why? Are you like, still married to somebody else?"

"Thank God, no," I said.

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"Then I don't understand."

"It's me," said Amber. "He can't marry me."

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"Why?"

"Because she's a Factory Girl, Lexie."

[Oscar DeBarataria]

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"Oh my God. You ARE! But you're so smart and so cool! How is..."

"I'm what Oscar made me, honey."

"She's giving me too much credit. She's a little miracle, is what she is."

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"Oh, you're earning yourself a FUN night, honey."

"But...OK, I'm gonna shut up now."

"Yeah, so legally we can't get married, because legally she's not a person. So we're just Oscar and Amber. We act like we're a couple, because to us it's basically the same."

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"Except no kids, which sucks. But I'm not complaining."

"Like, I'm...wow."

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"OK, honey, while I've got you all confused, let me hit you with something. This outfit?"

"Uh huh?"

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"No. You cannot wear that if you're going to have a meeting with a man on his turf. Just...no."

"No?"

"I wasn't going to say anything," I said, "but Amber's right."

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"Like, what's it matter what I wear?"

"Because you want people to take you seriously, right? This outfit sends a signal that you're, what's the word..."

"Open for business," I said.

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"Well, yeah! I came here to talk about business!"

"Not that kind of business, baby girl."

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"Oh."

"Don't get me wrong, Lexie. You look good. And I'll wear a sexy outfit too. But I'm always with Oscar if I do that, because the signal I'm sending is that he's the one who gets me when I leave. It's a compliment to him. When I'm out with my sister or a girlfriend or he's not around, I'm always dressed kinda modestly. I don't want to send the signal that I'm..."

"Open for business," I said.

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"Exactly. Look, I'm not going to tell you what you should wear, but I am gonna say that coming up here to meet with Oscar, you really want to tone it down."

"You mean, like he can't control himself?"

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"No, baby. It comes off like you're throwing yourself at him and it's inconsiderate toward both him, because you think he can't control himself, and me, because you're trying to tempt him."

"So like, that's the patriarchy talking! I should be able to wear a cute outfit when..."

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"No, baby girl, it's biology talking. If you come off like you're easy, people will think you're easy. And easy girls don't get respect - especially not from high-class men."

"She's right, Lexie," I said. "Chads, as you call them, are very happy to hook up with chicks who flaunt it. But they're likely going to think of you as just another body-count. And too many notches on your own belt, and you're going to find out you aren't such a hot commodity when you do decide you want to settle down with some guy."

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"You do want to get married eventually, right?" said Amber.

"I...don't know," said Lexie.

And soon after, she left in a bit of a daze. I think we gave her a lot more to think about than she bargained for.

[Oscar DeBarataria]

And a bonus pic from this set that I didn't have room for...

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[Oscar DeBarataria]

After Lexie departed that evening, and after a night spent in de facto, if not de jure, wedding bliss with Amber...

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"OK, so..."

"Uh huh. Here it comes."

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"Here what comes?"

"Amber, come on. You think I couldn't tell that there was an ask on the way after last night?"

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"Haha! Was it that obvious?"

"I could tell as soon as that slave collar came out of the drawer."

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"Actually, that was more for me than for you. Every time I think about Mexico, and how you went down there to save me, I get so horny I can't even deal with it."

"Is that so?"

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"Uh huh."

"Interesting info. So all right, out with it. What do I have to do?"

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"Well, the reason I was late getting home last night, which, you know, I apologize for..."

"It's not a problem. You brought us really good takeout Pad Thai, so you redeemed yourself immediately for us missing our reservation."

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"I know, right? I'm amazing."

"Yes, darling, you are that."

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"Right, anyway, Katie hooked up with us while we were at the mall and we talked for a while."

"Oh, I see. Are you in cahoots with her now?"

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"You're so funny. No, it's more like I agreed to be a mediator. She told me she regrets saying all that stuff about you."

"Yeah, I'll bet she does."

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"Yeah, because she wants stuff from you. I get it. But I don't want y'all to be fighting, ok? To me, you're both family."

"I understand. You realize that I'm not actually fighting with her, though, right?"

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"I know, I know. But I know that you're angry with her."

"Whatever. What's the ask?"

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"Can you meet her this afternoon? She said she'll meet you at The Wanderer if you want. She wants to talk to you about the wedding."

"More like she wants to shake me down about the wedding."

The pained look on Amber's face told me it was no use saying no if I wanted to maintain my blissful household. So I grudgingly agreed.

And...

[Oscar DeBarataria]

Katie was already there when I made it to my favorite dive bar.

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"Hey-ee! How are you?"

"I'm fine. What's that you're drinking?"

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"It's called a Raspberry Reveler. Delicious! You want one?"

"Nah. I'll just have a beer, I guess."

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"Oh, poo. You're no fun. Should we get a table?"

"Sure. Cute t-shirt, by the way. It was thoughtful of Craig to give you that."

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"Oh, this? He didn't buy me this."

"So you bought yourself a mommy t-shirt."

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"Why not? I'm a mom now."

"Right. Got it. How's that going?"

I ordered my beer and joined Katie in a booth.

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"Good days and bad days. Amy's mostly an angel, except, well..."

"Well, what?"

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"She's a little behind in her development. And it's a struggle trying to catch her up."

"Meaning?"

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"I think her vocabulary is too limited. She doesn't understand how to share. She's unsteady when she walks. And she throws tantrums from time to time."

"Katie, she's two. You just perfectly described an average two-year-old."

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"She's almost two and a half. And I don't want her to be average. She has to be perfect!"

"Who's helping you with her?"

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"Her grandmother is, but we don't get along."

"I'm shocked."

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"Oh, hush. That's who raised Chloe The Criminal, you know. And she just thinks Amy can do whatever and it's fine. I'm not going to raise Craig's daughter to be an inmate."

"There's a long way to go before that's a problem, Katie. Maybe just enjoy the ride?"

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"We have to talk about the wedding."

"Oh, boy, here it comes."

[Oscar DeBarataria]

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"Since she tells you everything, I suppose Amber told you about the finances."

"Oh, the fact that you want to break the bank on an illegal wedding?"

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"It's not illegal! How can a wedding be illegal?"

"Very easily when you're doing it with a fake ID, Katie."

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"It's a real ID!"

"Sure it is. But it's somebody else's social security number. You don't think they're going to smoke you out as soon as you try to get a marriage license? You're very convincing for a Factory Girl, sweetie, but on close examination they're going to find you out."

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"None of this matters. Craig loves me. I love him. We're getting married."

"And I don't begrudge you that. But I really, really don't think you should try to do it in a church. When you do, you're going to be committing fraud. You could get in trouble."

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"Well, that's really our business and not yours."

"Katie, you want me to pay for it. That would make me an accessory to fraud. I've been involved with enough illegal shit in the last six months, thank you."

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"So you're just a no. I knew it."

"No, not true. If you want to do an informal thing, like you throw a big party and it's an exchanging of the vows but you aren't getting a marriage license or trying to be legally married, then I think you're in the clear."

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"And you'll pay for half of that?"

"Katie, I'll give you 30 grand as a wedding present and you can use it for whatever you want."

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"Really?"

"Yes, really. And I'll give you away if you want, too. But here's what I won't do."

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"What's that?"

"I'm not going to play treasurer for your wedding plans. You're the one who started off as an accountant. Do your own budget."

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"Wow. Amber really does tell you everything. Did she give you our whole conversation word for word?"

"Something like that. We don't keep secrets from each other, Katie. That way there's a lot less drama."

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"She said you hate drama. I guess you hate me then."

"I don't hate you, honey. I love you. But you are an incorrigible pain in the ass."

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"I'm a 30 thousand dollar pain in the ass, I guess."

"I'll drink to that!"

[4891d]

...
"I'm a 30 thousand dollar pain in the ass, I guess."
...

To think that TDF is full of threads where some claim that dolls cost less than real girls!

[Oscar DeBarataria]

...
"I'm a 30 thousand dollar pain in the ass, I guess."
...

To think that TDF is full of threads where some claim that dolls cost less than real girls!

That's a good point.

But I'm the poor sap who lets myself get talked into this.

On the other hand, the peace this has bought is worth a lot more than 30 grand.

[4891d]

...
On the other hand, the peace this has bought is worth a lot more than 30 grand.

Oops! I hope Katie doesn't read the posts on TDF.

[Oscar DeBarataria]

Here's my favorite out-take pic from the last entry.

Amber in...

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"What you just said is probably wrong."

[Oscar DeBarataria]

Katie summoned Amber to yet another wedding preparation meeting, which I thought was a little bit premature given that she and Craig still hadn't set a date, so I figured I'd use the free time that afforded me to catch up with Rachel.

We'd had lots of texts, emails and phone calls to talk about the burgeoning private security business she was growing, and Rachel and Amber were doing a bit of hanging out of late, but I hadn't seen her in a month.

And that was too bad. She's one of my favorite people.

What was also too bad was what I found out when I saw her...

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"Hi there. It's good to finally see you again, Oscar!"

"Likewise. You're looking quite blue."

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"Oh, no. Is it obvious? How can you tell?"

"Wait, what?"

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"That I look blue."

"Rachel, sweetie, I'm referring to your suit."

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"Ohhhhh, right. Yeah."

"It's a bit of a departure for you seeing as you're usually decked out in black like Johnny Cash."

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"God, I've missed Smartass Oscar."

She gave me a very tight, and very long, hug which said more than 20 minutes of conversation would have.

And then they seated us at a table.

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"So, business is going really well. So much so that I have something for you."

"Don't tell me that's a check."

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"That's exactly what it is. Your first quarterly dividend. Eighteen hundred dollars, which isn't a lot, but..."

"Rachel, keep that in the business. Use it on equipment, put it in a reserve account or something."

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"I've done all those things. We're good. This is your end of the cash left over."

"Huh. Well, all right. Maybe I'll buy Amber something nice with this."

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She gave me a pained look.

"I shouldn't do that?"

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"No! Of course you should if you want to. It's just..."

"You wish you had somebody who'd think of you like that."

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"It's not your problem. Forget it."

"No, it is my problem. You're my friend. I hate to see you sad. So tell me, what's going on?"

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She sighed.

"OK, so, when I was a girl, I was always really pretty. A little heartbreaker, my dad always called me."

"I can believe that."

[Oscar DeBarataria]

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"And there were always boys. I didn't do all the popular-girl things. I learned piano and that was my big extracurricular activity, which is a total dork thing to do, and yet I still had guys chasing me all through high school. All I did was tease them. I thought it was fun."

"Rachel, are you saying what I think you're saying?"

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"Yes, Oscar. I didn't lose my virginity until college. And it was Mike who got it."

"So until your marriage broke up you'd only ever been with one guy?"

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"It's worse than that."

"Don't tell me."

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"Uh huh."

"He's the only one? EVER?"

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"I was raised pretty conservative. You know that."

"Yeah, but you're grown up and you're single. You're past that now, right? If you like a guy, you could, you know..."

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"It takes two to tango, honey. And I have zero skills with men."

"So that's what this is about? You can't find a guy?"

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"I'm all messed up. I think I want something impossible."

"OK, I'll play. Like what?"

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"Well, when I'm not girlbossing my way through the day, I like wearing high heels. So I need somebody six feet tall."

"You sure?"

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"No, but I find myself selecting short guys out."

"Probably a mistake. What else?"

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"Well, I've always been pretty good at making money, so...no broke guys. I don't want to support some loser."

"That's fair, though I would caution you that until a couple of years ago I was broke off and on a good bit. You might hold off on a hard-and-fast no-broke-guys rule, because with the right woman inspiring them some of them could really find their groove."

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"Hmm."

"What? You don't like that?"

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"You're telling me the opposite of what I read in Cosmo."

"Because I'm you're friend and I want you to be happy. Cosmo wants you desperate and miserable so their advertisers can sell you all kinds of things you'll think can fix you."

[Oscar DeBarataria]

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"We should have had this conversation months ago."

"OK, but this is ridiculous. How old are you?"

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"I'm 34."

"So you're 34, you don't have any kids, educated, classy, with a low body count, great body, pretty face..."

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"I don't think it's that pretty."

"Shut up! You're a beautiful girl, Rachel. I mean, you're pretty much the total package. And in today's dating market you're basically a unicorn. I don't see what the problem is."

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"The problem is I'm basically invisible to men. I haven't even been asked on a date in like two months. I think I'm past my prime and its just a matter of time before I'm a cat lady.."

"Are you on the dating apps?"

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"I was. I had to get off. All you get from those is hookups, and that's not me."

"I can't believe that."

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"No, really. I'd meet a guy on Tinder, and he'd want to go to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse on the first date and then expect to get laid later that night."

"Well, for Ruths Chris.."

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"Ugh. Gross. What's wrong with a coffee date to find out if we even like each other?"

"Well, you can control that. Don't let a guy take you someplace expensive on a first date."

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"Yeah, but how do I weed out the broke guys then?"

"Umm, I think we covered this..."

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"Right, ok. Give the brokedicks a chance. Got it."

"I'm absolutely the wrong guy to give you dating advice, but OK. I'm taking this project on. We're going to find you a guy."

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"I feel like such a loser. You shouldn't have to..."

"No, no. You've been a great friend to me, and this is something that somehow I'm going to do for you. I'm on it."

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She got a little emotional at that point.

"Hey, hey, come on. Don't cry! We're going to get this figured out, sweetie."

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"It's not that. You know what the problem is."

It was me. Rachel had a crush on me. And that's why she'd been staying away. Probably also why she got off the dating apps and poured all of her energy into the business, too.

And the real dirty little secret was that I had a crush on Rachel as well, going all the way back to Amber's ordeal in Mexico.

I needed to find Rachel somebody. And fast. Either that or I'd have to lose one relationship to save another.

[4891d]

Life's complicated!