JUST FOR LAUGHS

[drivergto97]

Notorious pirate Captain Ron had a peculiar habit... every time they would engage another ship in battle, Captain Ron would send his first mate below decks to fetch his red shirt. When the first mate finally questioned Ron why he had to get the red shirt before every battle, Cap'n Ron replied "so that if I'm hit during battle, the crew cannot see that I've been hit and will continue to fight gloriously." Satisfied with the answer, the first mate and crew continued their buccaneering ways for the next several months.

And then one bright sunny day Cap'n Ron's worst fear came to pass. He ran afoul of the British Navy. But not any ordinary pirate hunter... this was a giant Ship of the Line. As the ships squared off for battle, the British vessel opened all of her gun ports and prepared a full broadside. Seeing this, Cap'n Ron turned as white as the ghost that he was about to become. He stopped the first mate as he was headed below to fetch the Captain's red shirt and said with a quivering voice "since you're going below to get the red shirt... bring up me brown trousers as well!"

[Booty Call Dolls]

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without the kids!

[Cameramike]

So a cop walks up to a guy drinking and ask him what is he doing.....he says I am a lawyer.... the cop scratches his head in wonder... the guys says I am working on a case.....

[Mr Franz]

Guy wins the lottery. Goes home and tells the wife he just won the lottery and to pack her bags. She asks where she's packing for. He tells her he could care less, just so she's gone by morning!

[Booty Call Dolls]

A woman visits a bank on downtown New York City and asks for a short-term $10,000 loan.

The Banker asks her for collateral, and she hands him the keys to her Mercedes.

She says, "I'm going on a vacation, and I'll return the following week to repay the debt and retrieve the car."

A week later, she picks up the vehicle and pays back the loan, plus $50 in interest.

The Banker says, "Thanks for doing business with us. But, while you were away, we did a bit of research and discovered you're an extremely wealthy woman. Why did you need a loan?"

She replied, "Where else can I park my vehicle for $50 a week in NYC?"

[Booty Call Dolls]

A man walks up his bald friend, rubs his head and says, "Smooth. Just like my wife's butt."

The friend reaches up, rubs his own head and replies, "My gosh. You're right!"

[Booty Call Dolls]

A doctor is diagnosing a patient.

"Alright sir, I have your diagnosis," the doctor says to the patient.

The patient says, “Make it quick, will ya? I don’t got all day.”

"Wow," says the doctor. "How did you know?”

[Booty Call Dolls]

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see the man's fishing license.

The man tells the officer, "I don't need a fishing license, Officer."

The wildlife officer looks down at the bucket and says, "You absolutely need a fishing license to be catching fish."

The man says, "Oh no, you have it all wrong, Officer. Those are my PET fish. I just brought them out here for the day to enjoy the lake."

"Your pet fish, huh?" replied the wildlife officer.

"Oh absolutely, I let them out of the bucket and they swim around and play, but when it's time to go home, I whistle and they all jump right back in. They're very well trained."

The wildlife officers scratches his chin, then says, "I've never heard such a thing. I've got to see this."

So the man dumps the bucket of fish into the lake, and then calmly turns and looks at the wildlife officer.

The wildlife officer says. "Well, call them back."

The man says "Call who back?"

The wildlife officer says, "Your pet fish."

"What fish?" replied the man.

[Booty Call Dolls]

Never blame someone else for the road you're on.

That's your own asphalt.

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[Treepusher]

Thanks, I needed that,lol!

[Booty Call Dolls]

I saw a sign that made me crap my pants.

It said, "Bathroom closed."

[Mr Franz]

Driving instructor giving instructions to a student: "Depress the accelerator."

Student leans down toward the accelerator: "Your mother died!"

[Booty Call Dolls]

I was invited to go bungee jumping. My friends said it would be a really great time.

I declined.

Disappointed, my friends asked me why?

I simply stated that, "I was brought into this world by a broken rubber, and I'll be darned if I get taken out by one."

[the living tribunal]

Clever

[Mr Franz]

Sign at the seafood market: "Hot Steamed Crabs"

Customer to Clerk: "What got them so mad?"